Thursday, February 09, 2006

FAQ's

The amazing odyssey that is life spurts out many an unsolved enigma ever so often. A typical man's response function to such a situation would be a sinusoidal expression of total exasperation. Some people choose to call these 'Kodak moments'. However there exist certain people who would not tolerate such ambiguity. These people are known as MBA's. Their curiosity led them to kill the CAT. This target segment desires to swim in the drain of trivia.

This post clarifies certain issues and answers questions that may have bugged some of us over the years. Here I present answers to some FAQ's that you always wanted to know but feared asking because you feared that you might get answers like the ones I give below.

Enjoy the Mokkai (Blunt Blade)

Q. Why does Japan suffer from a large number of earthquakes?
A. This is the easiest question to answer. Japan has the largest number of Sumo wrestlers per square kilometer on earth. As they say, the fatter you are, the harder you fall. When these wrestlers fall during a fight, it sets off a sequence of transverse F-waves that cause the earthquake.

Q. Does the Asian Tsunami have anything to do with the earthquake?
A. The Asian Tsunami of December 2004 is believed to have occured when these wrestlers were on a picnic to Indonesia for national Sumo day. They dove into the water. Archimedes principle states that water has to be displaced. This led to a giant wave that travelled till Mexico. Emergency was declared in Sri Lanka when a tourist spotted a sumo wrestler riding atop a wave travelling at 200 kmph. When the wrestler lost his balance and fell, half of the wave got diverted to India and therefore half of Sri Lanka managed to escape the wrath of the disaster.

Q. What has been the impact of the 'Ring of Fire' on the Asian Tigers?
A. This is a very good question. Let us flashback to the late 1990's. The Asian tigers were making attempts to be star performers in the circus that the global economy is. In order to outdo others, they took the great leap forward. However what happened was that they landed on the ring of fire, and therefore burnt their pockets badly. The good news here is that it appears that they are ready to be star performers once again. The tsunami washed out the ring of fire.

Q. Unrelated question. Why do menswear sell more than womenswear?
A. This is tough question. Researchers have been trying to figure out the answer for long; a recent expedition to Pothys was commissioned for this purpose. I present here several explanations that have been given by experts in the field. The appeal of the subject being very strong, experts include Historians, Mathematicians, Movie Critics, etc. Each of them have given their own perspective.

Exp1. There are more men in India than women.
Exp2. Bollywood accounts for 74% of the textile market in India. Heroines in Bollywood wear much lesser clothes than their male counterparts. Thus the difference.
Exp3. Certain menswear can also be worn by women.
Exp4. When Gandhi called for burning of British clothes, men generously burnt their dresses. Women did not. Men are still butying clothes to make up for their loss during the mass burning. Bhogi Pongal also contributes to part of this problem.

Do inform me if you bled while reading this article.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Aaaaaah...

For the first time since a great flood in the Vaigai washed away the last Sangam, a new word has been added to the official Tamil dictionary (now sponsored by Kaajaa Beedi & Company; also called KBC). The expression in question is 'Aaaaaah'.

Ardent followers of the artificial brand of cinema (art + commercial = artificial; don't ask me how - I skipped the 'combinations' section in the leaked CAT paper of 2003) set up & get up by Kamal Hassan would understand the significance of this expression. The word is the Tamil equivalent of 'Queue'. You can take all but one 'a' from the word, and it still sounds the same.

Interestingly the word also broke the world record for the word with the highest number of meanings. According to the official spoksperson of KBC (who spoke on condition of anonymity), the word has 29 meanings listed at last count (some of the usages of the expression are highlighted at the end of the post). KBC lobbied hard for the word to be included in the revised Dictionary, and finally managed to get the word registered in the dictionary. A top ranked official of the Oxford Engineering College (the Indian subidiary of Oxford University - 100% owned by Indian partners) formally authorised the word to be entered into the dictionary by placing his thumb impression on the papers. The National Literacy Mission managed to enroll its second student after Rabri Devi.

When asked how he felt about the word being added to the Tamil dictionary, Mr. Kamal Hassan reacted by saying 'Aaaaah' (notice that there is one less 'a' than in the official version - wow!). The reaction was broadcast live during a commercial break on AIR's 'Vayalum Vaazhvum' programme which was listened by (a record) 23 farmers in Tamil Nadu who have been rendered helpless by floods in TN for the first time since the flood that washed away the last 'Sangam'. Gopal Palpodi's advertisement was stopped to air the message. 'Vayalum Vaazhvum' is now scouting for new corporate sponsorship.

All leading parties in the state have congratulated KBC on its achievement and thanked Oxford Engineering profusely. The Secretariat has passed two orders (yes; inspite of it being a Sunday!). The first order grants Oxford Engineering College Deemed University Status. Strong lobbying is also going on to hand it autonomous status. Management seats in the institute are now selling for Rs. 20 lakhs on. The second order permits beedi advertising in the state. This is in recognition of KBC's efforts. However the official spoksperson has clarified that surrogate advertising is punishable and the government will spare no efforts to crackdown on the same. The move holds very strategic implications for the tobacco industry in TN as marketshares are expected to take drastic swings. KBC has signed on the superstar. From now on, all Rajni movies will have the star throwing Kaajaa Beedi in the air and lighting it up.

Prominent script-writer Crazy Mohan too claims to have played a prominent role in the addition of the word to the dictionary. He proudly claims as to how in several of his Kamal movies the word 'Aaaaaah' has appeared more than the full stop. The extensive use of the word played a significant role in the addition, he claims. The extract below gives some of the meanings & usages of the word 'Aaaaah'.

1. An expression of extreme sorrow
2. Deep and writhing Pain
3. An expression used when someone is lost, mentally or physically. e.g. Aaah Abhirami...Aaah
4. When Kamal's goat in 'Singaravelan' is suffering from acute constipation
5. When one has to urgently pee, but the toilet has been locked
6. After the lock has been opened & the person has pee'd
7. When a guy is falling off Suicide Point after his brother is unable to support him with his hand...like, Aaaaah...Thambi, Unnai Nambi, Naan Vitten Da Indha Kambi...Aaaaah...

Due to copyright issues, we have ben able to obtain only seven usages of the word. We will try and get you more meanings before the dictionary is premiered during the Saturday's Uzhavar Santhai at Ashok Nagar. Till then, Adios amigos.

Aaaah...